Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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