Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize