Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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