Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We are two peas in an std pod
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
