I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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