my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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