guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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