So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
