Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
where are my eyebrows?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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