I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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