The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
