So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
