I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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