Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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