We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
