soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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