My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
