toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
did i walk over a car last night?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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