woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
