I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize