Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
