i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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