all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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