I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
