i need an iv and a liver transplant
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
