Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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