Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize