i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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