my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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