as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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