On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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