And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
