I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
