So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
