I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
