I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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