I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
