I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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