I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
