On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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