your thong is hanging out like whoa
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
