Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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