I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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