Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
