Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
