first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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