Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
