Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
