Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
