bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dignity is for republicans.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
