I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
