I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
