I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
