I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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