Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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