I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
