I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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