I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
