Why does Corona taste like a burp?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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