One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
