"it" just moved
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
