That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Text me some of your sweat
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