awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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