I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Houston, we have a blender
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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